I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
