Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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