If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
