the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
