Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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