just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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