Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
