I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
