what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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