I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
