I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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