I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
