Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The air was thick with penises
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
