I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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