But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
that's an acceptable place to lick
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
