Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
