but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
