You're a womanizer and a bitch.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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