forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
