i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
