I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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