Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
