All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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