her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
