How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
