Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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