I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
