well I can't set my house on fire every night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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