I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
