How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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