Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
