My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
