i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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