I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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