Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
