Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
