bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
