Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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