1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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