Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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