Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
