Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
