i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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