He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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