areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
