Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
