she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
