someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
