did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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