I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
